Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Strictly Come Dancing Week 3: Movie Week: The Lost Boys (which was totally on telly on Saturday night, and I watched it all, and it was amazing)

M’talented colleague Miss Jones was on lady duty this week, so I’ve got the chaps. 
And it’s Movie Week, you guys. Was there a time when I enjoyed a theme week? Maybe there was. Maybe it was even as recently as last year. But the thing is, if you theme every single dance every single week, theming a whole week becomes a little redundant. What I will say, though, is that there were absolutely no half-measures with this theme. Whether I think that’s a good thing… To be honest, I’m still a bit shell-shocked (SCOTT MILLS LOBSTER PUN ALERT), so we’ll see how I feel by the end of this post.

Of course we open with There’s No Business Like Show Business. I am reliably informed (by my memory) that we have not opened Movie Week with this song before, but it does sort of feel as though we have opened Movie Week with this song EVERY SINGLE YEAR FOREVER. Craig shores up his panto credentials, Len shores up his getting-punched-in-the-face-by-me credentials, Donny Osmond’s Joker Grin makes its first appearance (AT LEAST IT’S THEMATICALLY RELEVANT), Judy practically pukes with nerves just walking on to the stage, Pixie makes a face that briefly makes me think she is Denise Van Outen, there is a fun pro dance, then our two lady hosts are escorted onto the stage by chaps AS IS ONLY RIGHT AND PROPER.  

Oh my God, DVO is actually in the audience! Was that really her in the pro dance? Are she and Pixie secretly related? Also, Joanne seems to be wearing one of Ola’s outfits, so I can only make the assumption that she read last week’s blog and understands her only option when faced with existential despair is to go the Full Ola.

Five judges WTF? We’re here all bloody night as it is. Donny Osmond introduces himself with a joke which nobody gets and that makes him angry. You can see the psycho showing behind the smile. Stow your bloody jokes, Osmond, and your psychopathic prank planning, we haven’t got time for it. ("Did you ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?" hisses Osmond, forebodingly.)

The singers don’t get names this week. I don’t know who you upset to have yourselves rendered anonymous once again, HayleyLanceAndreaChris, but I’m willing to bet it was your version of Mambo No. 5 what done it.


Steve and Ola
I get a sinking feeling as soon as I see their outfits. ANIMAL PRINT BECAUSE HE’S A WILDLIFE EXPERT DO YOU SEE??? At this point I wrote down “Jungle Book” and sure enough, that’s what they’re dancing to. Oh show. There is a rope swing, then some monkey moves, then a perfectly serviceable, slightly clumsy quickstep. And then Steve eats a banana. And that is all I have to say about that.

(They cut to DVO. She looks like she couldn’t give a monkey’s. HA! COULDN’T GIVE A MONKEY’S! LOOK AT ME GETTING INTO THE SWING OF THINGS OH LOOK I DID IT AGAIN!)

Simon and Kristina
Duncan in the VT! Shameless!

Unfortunately, this rumba is not good. Walk, walk, wait should have swayed a hip, wiggle wiggle swing (the wiggle wiggle swing was Kristina), walk walk walk. He looks like he did two hours of rehearsal and wishes he hadn’t bothered with those. I am still surprised he ended up in the dance off, because some of these people ARE SO BAD, but it wouldn’t be Strictly without an early bottom two shocker, so they can scare us into voting for the good ones. Wouldn’t vote for Simon on the basis of this week, though. Even money on an overscored waltz next week, anyone? (No I still haven’t forgiven that 40 for di Angelo, and I never will.)

(Darcy should not talk about dances being sexy. Darcy talking about dances being sexy is like a maths teacher telling you algebra is sexy and meaning it – deeply disconcerting.)

(I am not dealing with the ladies, but I have to just point out this amazing bit of chat after Judy’s quickstep (bless you Judy):

Tess: Donny, you got great scores for the quickstep, so you know all about it.

Donny: I hated the quickstep, got my worst scores for the quickstep.

Oh Donny. Oh Tess. Oh SHOW.)

Tim and Natalie
A VERY early acting coach call from Natalie, but if I was lumbered with a) Tim and b) the Charleston and I in any way wanted to stay in the show and hadn’t lost the will to live, I’d probably  have sent up this particular bat signal too. It doesn’t help, sadly. Tim musters two expressions throughout – the first is a sort of cut-price exhausted Fagin, forced to tap dance for pennies because his pickpocketing boys have all abandoned him, and the second is a delighted smile when it’s all over. It is terrible. No part of the dance was any good. In fact, no part of the dance was a dance. The audience don’t even bother booing Bruno for being mean, and only manage half a boo for Craig. Halfway through the song, I wrote down “bet it’s the paso next week” and Len confirms that we are in fact going full Sergeant with Tim, which I suppose was inevitable. Natalie and Tim ignore the popcorn lady. Can’t say I blame them.

Scott and Joanne
Scott is dressed as a lobster. A clown lobster. Joanne is Ariel, but she has legs instead of a tail even though she is still under the sea, so I am officially not interested in this routine because of their lack of adherence to narrative accuracy.

(In the run-up to the dance, Tess nearly lands a joke, but lets it off the hook at the last minute. LANDS! HOOKS! Tess can’t pun but I AM KILLING IT AMIRITE?)

Jake and Janette
This was perfectly good, but a bit dull maybe? I wrote down “more of a tango than a waltz feel” and then Bruno ruined it by saying the same thing, the bastard. Anyway, Janette is wearing a lovely little hat, but they failed to pad out Jake’s face with cotton wool and they didn’t waltz around a bloody horse’s head, so as far as I am concerned several points should be deducted for lack of commitment I MEAN DID THEY SEE SCOTT MILLS PRETENDING LIKE HE HAD PINCERS COME ON JAKE MAKE AN EFFORT.

(You’re just going to have to take my word for the fact that my contemporaneous notes are so uncannily accurate, until I can actually tweet along live again DAMN YOU, THE DREADED BUFFERING.)

tHom and Iveta
Christ he’s dull on the VT. This week he tries a pun. Fails. Leave that stuff to the bloggers, tHom.

So the VT costume says Richard Gere. The actual on-the-night costume says Gay Strip Club During Fleet Week. His timing is off occasionally, but I am basically into it. This is the most comfortable Thom has looked so far. Dressed as a camp sailor stripper. I’m just going to leave that there. 

Mark and Karen
Oh dear. I really do think Karen can make even the most batshit premise utterly unwatchable. It’s quite a gift. Mark pouts and walks into a phone box. Mark pouts and walks out of a phone box. Mark pouts and nearly falls over a couple of times. Karen pouts while Mark gets into a harness. Mark pouts and is hoisted. The end. Mark is game for a laugh, which I like. But so was Russell Grant, Mark. So was Russell Grant. 

And that’s the end of that. The Lobster lives to pince another day. Judy has another chance to round up a son or two. Tim gets to resurrect the shade of Sergeant. And I’m already in a cold sweat about Halloween Week.  Bye bye Lady Irish, we hardly knew you. And bye bye Chap Irish, you are hot so you will be back next year, and some time over the next couple of weeks I’ll be doing a STATISTICAL ANALYSIS of whether you might get a decent partner or if you are already MARKED FOR FAILURE.  I bet you all can’t wait.

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