Week 6 Part 2: Ringer Rage (which sounds a bit rude, but is accurate)

OK you guys, time for my bit of the show, which is All of The Pasos All of the Time, plus some other stuff. 

Credits report: Sensible Brendan is even sensible in the credits. Life’s weird.

I appreciate the effort they make in the pro dance to be all spooky and whatnot, but it doesn’t really work, because it’s basically just a chirpy jive with costumes. The celebs join in, with varying degrees of success, but The Show knows that as long as Frankie is front and centre, it’s all going to be fine.  Because it is a Latin dance, the choreographer hangs Anton from some wires, knowing (as we all do) that this is by far the best place for him. 

Miss Jones says it all about Zoe. Poor Claudia and I hope everyone is ok. 

I ENJOYED THE DANCE-ON! I KNOW! All it takes to get me on board, it turns out, is Darcey joining in plus the Thriller dance. Actually, all it takes to get me on board with ANYTHING is the Thriller dance. 

Tess tells us that the contestants all want to “save their souls from the judges”. I will just say that  if that was the actual premise of Strictly Come Dancing, I would watch the shit out of the Show even more than I actually do. A hell full of Strictly ejectees. IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES. Bagsy I don’t sit next to Dominic Littlewood.

ON WITH THE SHOW!

(But before we get to my lot, let me just say that I think there should be a new rule: Alison and Aljaz should do all VTs for every couple forevermore. Who knew I could be this on board with a former Big Brother contestant? I don’t even know who I am any more.)

Simon and Kristina

Of course he has Latin this week. Of course. They have a very upsetting VT – how come everyone else gets to dress up or caper in a park and Simon has to handle a tarantula? This Show is so odd. Anyway, it’s paso time for Simon, but I have to say this looked more like a tango to me – his posture was too upright, and the shaping wasn’t there in his arms. It all got super-messy halfway through but he saves everything with a crowd-pleasing back flip (clever Kristina). I sort of can’t believe it has taken this long for Kristina to in some way be a Femme Fatale Spider, though her costume was more Sexy Halloween Cat. I liked the sharpness of the movements, but once again it was all a little too frenetic for my taste – I used to think Kristina was one of the show’s best choreographers, but this series it has officially not been to my taste.

Len says, “You wanna talk about going out there and giving it some…” No, Len. You are literally the only person who ever wants to talk about going out there and giving it some. Please stop.

It is overscored, natch, because God forbid Simon should end up in the dance-off the week after Len erroneously saved him…

Pixie and Trent

Pixie has a floppy frame. Other than that, I suppose it’s good, but once again I find myself utterly unmoved by a Pixie routine., which takes some doing when there are all these gimmicks going on. I watch them, and all I am is bored. WHY IS THIS? I can only assume it’s the utter charisma bypass these two have had both individually and together. Maybe I need to get Miss Jones to do their reviews from now on, because clearly I am SUPER-DONE. Anyway, as far as I am concerned, the best bit of the routine is when they thought they would get 9s across the board and ended up having to pretend they were happy with 8s. They did not pretend well. 

Jake and Janette

Their VT is exactly as boring and as batshit as you would expect, and if you don’t know which of them was boring and which was batshit, you really haven’t been paying attention to this show.  The theme of their paso is apparently Sleepy Hollow, but I have to say the theme completely eludes me. Is Janette a horse? Other than that, I quite liked it – it’s very dramatic, and quite trad despite the Halloween nonsense, though some odd hand stuff is required from Jake, including drumming frantically on his knees – perhaps someone more familiar with the the Sleepy Hollow legend can advise whether this was actually a very clever piece of choreography because Ichabod Crane was FAMOUSLY A KNEE DRUMMER THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Also, Jake nearly falls over again. The judges are harsh, I think – while they’re right about his posture, this is much more precise than Simon’s paso – at least Jake didn’t get halfway through a move before realising he should already be doing the next one, which happened to Simon about one million times. I’m still not really on board with Jake, but I’m irritated that this scored the same as Simon’s because of Simon’s panic score, and I'm even more irritated the the judges were so sneery.

Scott and Joanne

They did not, as I predicted, get a rumba. Instead the Show decided to take its other obvious booting route – benign ballroom, followed by “your best dance yet”, so that the celeb can feel good about himself and the audience won’t be moved to pity-vote.  It works perfectly, so I guess... Bravo, Show? Anyway, Joanne dances around, Scott mugs for the camera, and it’s a perfectly pleasant foxtrot with which to wave Scott off into the distance.  Len would have saved Scott in the dance-off, it turns out. Len is an idiot. 

(I wrote some notes on Mark and Karen at this point because I apparently couldn’t remember who my celebs were this week. All I will say is that I am slightly freaked out that, having had a rock’n’roll themed jive from Kevin already this series, we now get one from Karen, because it made me think that maybe Karen and Kevin’s pillow talk is all about storyboarding 50s and 60s jives and probably they plan all the costumes out and have fun on iTunes picking the songs out and I didn’t need my brain to go there and neither did you.)

(A few thoughts about the results show while I’m asideing. Of course Kristina was the Evil Queen in the Snow White paso.  Of course. I kept hoping when the Queen shrugged off the hooded cloak it would be Beloved Ian underneath, but the Show let me down again.  Tess looks good in a witch’s hat. And she patronises Scott and Alison’s mums. If there’s one thing you can say about Tess’s patronising, it is that she is enormously consistent. She is an Omni-Patroniser.)

Frankie and Kevin

Frankie gets the prime performance slot because of course. This tango is unbelievably gimmicky, and I loved every single second of it. There are occasional frame issues, but the footwork is amazing. I watched it again, and their mirroring of each other’s positions is absolutely perfect throughout. It also has a tremendously romantic feel, and is completely in sync with the feel of the musical, and if you don’t think it’s a good thing to be completely in sync with the musical Wicked, this really isn’t the blog for you. (Bruno also comments on how true to the musical it is, but I want you to know that once again that thought is in my contemporaneous notes THANKS FOR NOTHING BRUNO.) It is easily the best dance of the night, and probably I am Team Frankie now. Amusingly they get a 10, and this is celebrated by the ACTUAL HOST OF THE SHOW as, “A real 10! Not a Donny 10!” I am glad that even the show is acknowledging that Donny Osmond was a terrible mistake and everything he said, did or grinned should be treated with the contempt it deserves.  

So Scott and Joanne face the final curtain, Simon dodges the dance-off for a week (he’ll be back there next week, I firmly believe), Judy continues to have the best time,  Mark stays in the top four (and deservedly so this week) though I could do without (as my sister Anna eloquently put it) Karen humping his leg like a dog in celebration of safety, I am FUMING that that amazing Alison and Aljaz dance landed in the bottom two., and nobody has mentioned Blackpool yet but I can only assume that will start next week now Halloween is out of the way. KateTF over and out.